SKETCH COMEDY GONE TERRIBLE WRONG...BUT IN A GOOD WAY

within the ranks of sketch comedy, a few groups stand out for having their own bizarre brand of comedy. now if you took kids in the hall, upright citizens brigade, and the whitest kids you know and wrapped them all up in a sleeping bag and beat the crap out of them...and took all their money, you'd have sick kids productions. this dark side of comedy is brought to you by these silly motherfuckers:

they been around for quite a while and have been perfecting their madness through short skits that are posted on youtube here: Youtubey goodness!

but luckily for humanity, they have finally taken time out of their busy bedazzling

schedules to put out their first full length DVD, nuclear justice. You will laugh like that tim

e grandma shit her pants during Thanksgiving dinner...when you know it's funny but you know

you're not supposed to laugh...
needless to say...you will never look at john travolta or steering wheel covers in the same way. dare I say more?
and the best part...did i mention that it's available for FREE through their facebook fan page here:

Sick Kids Productions Fan Page

Just message them your address and you'll receive their gay porn....i mean...comedy DVD right away!

Dead Man's Party- Zombie Walk 2009

if time was an ice cream sandwich...i would take this night...slowly unwrap it's crisp white wrapper...unveil the frosty chocolate and vanilla orgy in my hand that's exuding cold steam and already starting to slightly soften...sensuously lick the sides where the naughty ice cream has overflowed past the spongy wafers and start nibbling on the delicious corners. then i'd bite it...hard...over and over and over and OVER...

oh sorry, i got a little carried away...in case you couldn't tell, this is a blog about zombies and Woody Harrelson...and JERRY (1), without which none of the mentioned events would be possible (and is holding my puppy hostage in case i don't mention his name and give him credit at least 14 times)
WHO'S JERRY(2), you ask? this mother fucker ...





so JERRY(4) gets an email about the upcoming zombie walk and sends me the link. now...i've been summoned to various walks and bar crawls before...which has a certain appeal because hey, everything's more fun as a zombie! But i've never actually gone to one because i've always been skeptical, as i assume it's just a bunch of douches in crappy make-up...being...douchy...




but as i read further into the event...well it only starts in a bar...then it's a zombie walk through times square and into a movie theater for a free screening of ZOMBIELAND!- which i've been dyyyying to see...sorry...zombie humor. so it's game on. i get my buddy chris on board as well and we're good to go!!!

the bar was...less than exciting. we had a drink and had a little fun scoping out the other makeup jobs, but for the most part i've had more fun sitting on a thumbtack. just the chaos of getting there and JERRY (5) and I getting our make-up up to snuff was enough to warrant a little downtime, i suppose.

so the walk begins! apparently there were over 600 zombies present and accounted for...which is pretty ridiculous...and we started stumbling around times square. knocking tables over, grabbing at tourists, beating on car windows, harassing this guy in a giant ball costume that was trying to hand out flyers, climbing on street lights, knocking on windows of restaurants where people were trying to eat, pissing off policeman like I've NEVER seen, and just running around and scaring the crap out of unsuspecting people. All wonderful, glorious zombirific things!

when we finally arrive at the theater, it's in a mass sprint. which was pretty entertaining. While in line, I tried to pick a fight with the biggest guy there...to the dismay of my colleagues, but all ended well when I manically laughed and gave him the finger and made him giggle. We shook hands and became instant best friends. While waiting on line we hear a loud screech and a crash...eureka! the zombie invasion caused a car to ram into a semi!

Also note that all the while we're in line, we have photographers from the village voice all over the place taking pictures, yet JERRY(6) somehow eludes the camera completely (by accident) while even Chris gets a great shot on their website..despite skipping a work function to be there and being scared shitless to have any evidence of his presence! That's actually JERRY(7) in the background taking a picture of the photographer....well done, boys!

the doors open and we all rush into the theater to get the best seats! we get settled and prepare for awesomeness, but then....what's that, JERRY (8)? you need nourishment? you require popcorn and a soda? well, by all means, kind sir...help yourself to the refreshment stand over yonder and we shall all share in your bounty. we'll save your seat...mwahahaha.

A few minutes later...some random dude waves me over from my seat and i stumbled over to him and he asks me to be in some kind of promotion photo shoot just outside. i look back to chris and he gave me the ok, so i frolicked out to the unknown. the guy didn't look professional...or even very important for that matter...so i was skeptical to say the least of what this was all about. It's me and maybe about 10 other zombies just standing around...looking...zombied...and i thought that was the extent of it. But then Woody Harrelson enters left....say whaaa?

he stands right in the middle of us and we just surround him. I'm standing directly next to him, not sure how aggressive to be (considering he already punched out a photographer that he mistook for a zombie!) It was awesome though...and I'm in people magazine, the village voice, and about 5 other websites as a zombie attacking Woody Harrellson. Life doesn't get better than this, folks...but then...uh oh...the thought sinks in...oh my god...JERRY's(9) going to kill me...

i get back to my seat and start ranting to chris about what just happened and in walks JERRY(10) with his snacks. i try to break the news lightly, but there's just no nice way to say i'm gonna be famous and you're not...the look of total despair and disappointment in his eyes. Woody ended up coming into the theater and watching his movie with the crowd of zombies, too.

But c'mon people...give it up to the best zombie around: yours truly...

And P.S.- SEE ZOMBIELAND! IT WAS AMAZING! But that's a different story altogether...

Shit....JERRY (11) JERRY (12) JERRY (13) JERRY (14)

JELLO WRESTLING: A social commentary by Devorador de Cerebro

...as I do not consider myself a very talented party planner, I usually avoid it like the plague because they are always a bust, but once in awhile I come up with an ingenious plan that I think can only be executed by someone as mad as i. so i set out to make the event of the century in my back yard. one that no one could possibly refuse. not only is there food and drinks galore, enough to make anyone else's BBQ a complete success, but I provide entertainment for all and a once-in-a-lifetime chance for those daring enough to enter the ring. i talk about it for months and ask around so i can get a feeling for the crowd and get a great response. everyone wants in! everyone knows people that want in! everyone can't conceive of a better idea! fair enough, i was in complete agreement and with costume in hand and a kick ass Luchadora name, i got to work! to get everyone into the idea further, i started with this amazing flyer and then it was funny pictures of bill cosby endorsing the party and then pictures of hot girls wrestling. and not only would it be my kooky friends, but my roommate grew up in the area, has tons of friends, worked at hooters for god's sakes and knows a lot of hot girls as well as guys that like hot girls. where could i go wrong? i planned on a big ass party, where we'd have to organize wrestlers and matches and it would be chaos and probably have the cops called by at least one neighbor!

so then...it slowly becomes very apparent that this was not the extraordinary idea that i thought it was. i start getting calls, texts and emails of everyone's excuses. i shoulda known once only 2 people got my thunderdome reference in the invite. so the list dwindles to a handful of people that drove at least an hour to come and i've only known for a few months, where as people that i've known for years and encouraged the idea all along...bail. i think i'm more dumbfounded than upset at how dinner with a friend or ::enter lame excuse here:: would ever be more fun than what i was offering. it boggles my mind. on top of that, my roommate/co-host's friends are NOWHERE to be found either...on any given night of the week, my living room can be packed with people for absolutely no reason...but for an actual party everyone disappears? Uhh...do most people really hate fun this much?

::throws away old friends and hugs new ones::

FOR THE RECORD IT WAS STILL AN AMAZING AMAZING DAY! AND HERE'S THE PROOF!

...it is for this reason that I am once again opening the lines for the friend applicaion...because there will be people that will read this post and will be just as outraged and disappointed as i am about this travesty and wouldn't have missed this for the world and we need to unite. Will you receive a golden ticket???

BE SURE TO POST YOUR RESULTS AS A COMMENT UNDER THIS POST!!!

http://www.proprofs.com/quiz-school/story.php?title=friend-application

blast from the past!

well, HEY there kiddies...

...as we delve deeper into the madness, i think it's important to remember your humble beginnings...

Out of all my notebook doodles and sketchbook renderings...I'm mostly amused by these because of the whole "gel pen" phenomenon. i...was...obsessed....

Done mostly in my junior and senior year math classes (thankyou mrs. thomas), these had really no purpose or meaning...they were just colored doodles...but as i look back on all the severed body parts and blood...it really doesn't surprise me that people were worried about me...and still are...

THE CLOCK i don't know why i'm obsessed with this imagery, but this is the first version and it was also made in pastels and acrylics.

THE SWING

Althought drawn very cartoony and comical, I love the concept of hanging helpless amongst everyone watching. I had used the same idea as a self portrait with my head being a sole lightbulb in a cavern of eyes...but hm...where the hell did that go...

GRABBERS

like flowers grow towards the sun, a strange arm plant all grabbing towards the light

DROWNING

i'm sure i had some kind of emo reason to draw this and it symbolizes me overwhelmed with some teenage problem...but really i have no idea.

BROKEN DOLL

Hahaha, i really wish i COULD remember my reasonings behind this drawing. i could make something up...but i'm pretty sure i just wanted an excuse to draw a naked chick

ORGY

Ok, i really thought i was being clever here.. pink=girl. blue=boy. together=purple. really it's just one big giant orgy...but i thought...ya know....no one would "get it". HA

LA TETE

really, i don't even like this one...i think it's kind of stupid...which is why i gave it a french name. i actually just put it up to show my complete disregard for human anatomy. check out those 2 neck bones. classic.

KISS

again, i have absolutely no clue what this is besides that i was probably daydreaming about making out. the nail? totally gratuitous. the handcuffed creature in the middle? um....
:: shrugs ::

Ok, well good to see ya..i gotta go return some video tapes...

:: scuttles away::

DOUCHE DICK!- the story of how i was banned from facebook uno within an hour

now as much as i have grown up and accept my adult responsibilities...and generally have a good will towards mankind. ::chuckle:: there's just some situations i simply can't avoid..like this one.

innnocent beginning: my friend jerry "draw four" accomando sends me an invite to play uno on facebook. oh look! now i can even humiliate him from the comfort of my own home! game on!

now...in all public chats...especially gaming ones...it's only human nature to want to test your boundaries! i type out a laundry list of curses and giggle while watching which ones are turned into &@#&%^$#% and giggle even louder at the ones that aren't. Obviously my present company did not appreciate my curiousity...

First of all: Meet the contestants! (because it's facebook so they actually let you see who these people are) Good idea / Bad Idea....?

Jennifer A.- what a sassy little sprite



Tracy C.- her keyboard is permanantly stuck on caps


And then here's me...innocent little me...covered in blood



UNEDITED AND UNABRIDGED CHAT:


Morgan O. uno sucks

Jennifer A. then why are you playing? lol

Morgan O. mother *#!$@ing *#!$@ suckers

Morgan O. *#!$@ damn *#!$@ *#!$@ douche dick

Jennifer A. what are you 12?

Morgan O. 35 actually

Morgan O. Isn't anyone else excited that the words "douche dick" weren't bleeped?

Jennifer A. grow up

Morgan O. what are you fat?

Jennifer A. no but my son is watching me play and reading this

Morgan O. well maybe you should be being a good mother instead of playing on facebook

Tracey C. U TELL THEM

Morgan O. haha, what the *#!$@ does that mean

Tracey C. U NEED 2 STOP

Morgan O. stop what

Jennifer A. acting like a child

Jennifer A. J a 35 year old woman shouldnt be speaking like that

Morgan O. so do you guys play uno because you cant count higher than 9?

Tracey C. JENN DO NOT TAKE THAT

Morgan O. you tell her, girlfriend!

Morgan O. love the caps...did you forget how to turn them off? Just move your chubby little fingers over above the shift key

Jennifer A. haha my son is laughing at the butch woman in the picture

Jennifer A. guess your pic speaks for itself

Morgan O. haha, oh, it really does

Tracey C. U 2 NEED 2 BE NICE

Morgan O. i thought that was pretty nice

Morgan O. wanker

Morgan O. haha, apparently british curses are ok

Tracey C. LOL 2U

Jennifer A. ok im not speaking to you anymore

Morgan O. no one asked you to anyway

Morgan O. buttlicker

Jennifer A. then please use respect

Morgan O. mrs. buttlicker ma'am?

Tracey C. U R A BITCH O

Jennifer A. lol

Morgan O. hahaha, and you're a buttlicker

Jennifer A. yes she is

Morgan O. wow really?? Lucky guess...its ok...

Morgan O. i accept you

Tracey C. I AM SORRY MS J

Morgan O. for what? did you pass gas?

Jennifer A. im pretty sure its a little kid fooling around

Tracey C. I SAY

Jennifer A. i really cant believe a woman would talk the way she is

Jennifer A. plus i just reported her to facebook

Morgan O. little kid, eh? definitely smarter than you

Morgan O. and probably half as smelly...

Tracey C. GOOD

Morgan O. YES. SUPERB.

Morgan O. I USE CAPS TO GET MY POINT ACROSS

:end of tranmission::

sorry to say that when someone wins (...which was SO unfortately NOT me...) the chat disappears so i missed the last couple whips i tossed there way...le sigh...

SO this might be the last of my facebook account...or at least my online uno playing days...but i only have one regret!....

that i never called that chick Jennifer A. Hole...SUCH A WASTE OF A GOOD 2ND GRADE INSULT! ARGGG!

And what did we learn today, kids???

The rules of chat censorship!

"I love dick!"- ok
"I love cock"- NOT OK

"I'm gonna fuck that ass"- NOT OK
"I'm gonna douche that bitch"- ok

death of a munchkin: a photo comic by morgue anne & michelle macomber

ALTERNATE ENDING:

BILL PAXTON IN MY SHORTS!

well, seeing that my goggle collection is on hold for the moment...at least until my lab is settled in it's new home in beautiful north jersey ::snark snark:: i decided to share the incredibly detailed universe that my partner in crime and I have created. in this universe, bill paxton is a god-like figure (just like in most universes) and helen hunt can become the butt of any joke.

ex. "bill paxton can do anything he wants. he eats chuck norris for breakfast and washes it down with a nice cold glass of vin diesel. Then he uses helen hunt as a toothpick."

needless to say, i also don't run in many circles where poop isn't a usual topic...its actually become a staple of any meaningful conversation...because poop is universally funny. if you don't agree with that...well god bless you, but you suck.

so one day, amongst an unusually large amount of bill paxton and "twister" references, we ended up coining new terms for varieties of turds. a phenomenon just spread alarmly quickly into normal friend, family and office jargon and just kept growing in popularity.


BILL PAXTON (ain't he pretty)
most commonly used, the bill paxton can be a general term or be used to used to describe a poo that you are just generally proud of and feel the need to announce, so it's like the rule of "every square is a rectangle, but not every rectangle is a square"...so like "every helen hunt is a bill paxton, but not every bill paxton is a helen hunt".

it can be used as a noun:

ex. "man, that bill paxton felt great. now i can eat more croissants!"

OR a verb:

ex. "you might not want to go in there...i just bill paxton-ed all over the place..."

HELEN HUNT
a helen hunt is also a broad term for a poo...but in contrast with the bill paxton, is something meaningless, insignificant, and rarely mentioned. she's just not interesting enough to bring up in even the most dull conversations. frankly, my grandma has more interesting bowel movements, and she poops her pants.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
when you philip seymour hoffman, you will be seen leaving the bathroom with tears in your eyes. this big, burly mofo has no mercy and will leave you with flashbacks of those horrifying prison shower rapes. were never butt raped, you say?? well, philip seems like the most appropriate actor to teach you what it's like anyway.

CARY ELWES
this sniveling little weiner just shoulda stopped after the princess bride and men in tights...but since he decided to be the snooty adversary of mr. paxton instead, he is the constipated turd. the one you just can't see to get rid of and roll your eyes everytime you THINK you're going to get rid of him and you can't.

JAMI GERTZ
first off, i refuse to believe that jami gertz is not teri hatcher's evil twin. secondly, what the FUCK does bill paxton see in her. oh yah...she's endowed as the term for shitting your pants. she whines and freaks out the whole movie. YES, there's a tornado 10 feet in front of your truck and YES, there's a cow in it...but you don't have to be such a girl about it.

ALAN RUCK
alan ruck is the surprise poop because SURPRISE! ALAN RUCK IS IN A MOVIE BESIDES FERRIS BUELLER! ....and there was great rejoicing...

DOROTHY
kiiiind of broke the rules with these last two, but dorothy is the weather machine with all the little balls and it's kinky. She should really have her own credit because the whole movie she's like the stripper that everyone wants to bang but every time she's about to take her top off, somebody fucks it up and she pulls her sweater back down! Well, needless to say, bill finally straddles that pony at the end and dorothy gets to shoot her load...wow...sorry for that visual. ANYWAY, in honor of all her little balls, dorothy could be nothing other than rabbit turds!

TWISTER





















truly the "the dark side of nature" a twister is a devastating, life-altering, energy-sucking, toiletbowl-shattering manuever and shouldn't be attempted by amateurs. anyone in it's path or in its range is in extreme danger and should seek cover in the nearest BOMB shelter...hehe...get it?

i...apologize for this post already...i just disturbed myself. back to the lab!!!