Wednesday, July 15, 2009


well, seeing that my goggle collection is on hold for the least until my lab is settled in it's new home in beautiful north jersey ::snark snark:: i decided to share the incredibly detailed universe that my partner in crime and I have created. in this universe, bill paxton is a god-like figure (just like in most universes) and helen hunt can become the butt of any joke.

ex. "bill paxton can do anything he wants. he eats chuck norris for breakfast and washes it down with a nice cold glass of vin diesel. Then he uses helen hunt as a toothpick."

needless to say, i also don't run in many circles where poop isn't a usual topic...its actually become a staple of any meaningful conversation...because poop is universally funny. if you don't agree with that...well god bless you, but you suck.

so one day, amongst an unusually large amount of bill paxton and "twister" references, we ended up coining new terms for varieties of turds. a phenomenon just spread alarmly quickly into normal friend, family and office jargon and just kept growing in popularity.

BILL PAXTON (ain't he pretty)
most commonly used, the bill paxton can be a general term or be used to used to describe a poo that you are just generally proud of and feel the need to announce, so it's like the rule of "every square is a rectangle, but not every rectangle is a square" like "every helen hunt is a bill paxton, but not every bill paxton is a helen hunt".

it can be used as a noun:

ex. "man, that bill paxton felt great. now i can eat more croissants!"

OR a verb:

ex. "you might not want to go in there...i just bill paxton-ed all over the place..."

a helen hunt is also a broad term for a poo...but in contrast with the bill paxton, is something meaningless, insignificant, and rarely mentioned. she's just not interesting enough to bring up in even the most dull conversations. frankly, my grandma has more interesting bowel movements, and she poops her pants.

when you philip seymour hoffman, you will be seen leaving the bathroom with tears in your eyes. this big, burly mofo has no mercy and will leave you with flashbacks of those horrifying prison shower rapes. were never butt raped, you say?? well, philip seems like the most appropriate actor to teach you what it's like anyway.

this sniveling little weiner just shoulda stopped after the princess bride and men in tights...but since he decided to be the snooty adversary of mr. paxton instead, he is the constipated turd. the one you just can't see to get rid of and roll your eyes everytime you THINK you're going to get rid of him and you can't.

first off, i refuse to believe that jami gertz is not teri hatcher's evil twin. secondly, what the FUCK does bill paxton see in her. oh yah...she's endowed as the term for shitting your pants. she whines and freaks out the whole movie. YES, there's a tornado 10 feet in front of your truck and YES, there's a cow in it...but you don't have to be such a girl about it.

alan ruck is the surprise poop because SURPRISE! ALAN RUCK IS IN A MOVIE BESIDES FERRIS BUELLER! ....and there was great rejoicing...

kiiiind of broke the rules with these last two, but dorothy is the weather machine with all the little balls and it's kinky. She should really have her own credit because the whole movie she's like the stripper that everyone wants to bang but every time she's about to take her top off, somebody fucks it up and she pulls her sweater back down! Well, needless to say, bill finally straddles that pony at the end and dorothy gets to shoot her for that visual. ANYWAY, in honor of all her little balls, dorothy could be nothing other than rabbit turds!


truly the "the dark side of nature" a twister is a devastating, life-altering, energy-sucking, toiletbowl-shattering manuever and shouldn't be attempted by amateurs. anyone in it's path or in its range is in extreme danger and should seek cover in the nearest BOMB shelter...hehe...get it?

i...apologize for this post already...i just disturbed myself. back to the lab!!!