Tuesday, October 27, 2009

VAMPIRE'S SUCK...well, duh...

not to say they are even close to being my favorite monster...but i don't know if i like the bad rap that vampires are getting now-a-days. good god, don't get me wrong...i'm not defending twilight...but i will defend great moments in fanged history that can not be tainted by this temporary crapfest.

speaking of twilight though...i watched it one night to have a good laugh and just couldn't get over the fact that the catalyst for the entire movie was...vampire baseball???! that whole movie not only offended me as a horror fan, but as a girl. the characters weren't romantic...they were pathetic and the whole "shimmering" in daylight makes me want to punch a kitten. AHHH, enough of that, you get the point. i would still recommend anyone to watch it, if only to have the ammo to make fun of twilight fans better!
but onto more important things...my favorite vampire movie moments! be they scary, sexy, or just downright silly, these are indisputable gems.

one of my favorite movies of all time, featuring my one true love: mr. bill paxton. this movie is indisputably awesome because it refuses to be a vampire movie. even though it's about a clan of vampires, they could of just as easily been a family of renegade serial killers. anyone that has seen this movie would expect me to say my favorite scene is the infamous bar scene...but despite all the gritty violence and bill's bad-ass one-liners, yah yah yah...but i'm going to have to be a girl and say that my favorite scene is caleb's and mae's first kiss after she turns him. he leaves and thinks he can just go home and be normal, but when he realizes he's got nowhere to go, he comes back, kneels before her, drinks from her wrist, then slides himself up to her lips. hands down the hottest kiss in cinematic history.

this movie was recommended to me and i was skeptical to say the least. not only is it foreign with subtitles, but it's about a little girl vampire...sounds lame, right???! this movie made quite the shocking impression on me, good going norway! the little boy oskar forms a friendship with eli, the girl next door that just so happens to be a vampire. just like near dark, the vampire lure is there, but they don't come out and say "this is a vampire movie", which i think makes all the difference. the whole movie sets a nice innocent tone of oskar trying to befriend and figure out eli. The scene that will always stick in my mind is when he wants to see what happens if she comes into his apartment without inviting her in. as she passes into the threshold, she just starts bleeding from her and eyes, nose, ears, and mouth and falls to the ground, where a concerned oskar rushes over and tells her a dozen time that he's sorry and that he invites her to come in. it was eerie and endearing at the same time. awwwww ::barf::

brought to you by the same demented mind that came up with forbidden zone, RICHARD ELFMAN and starring none other than the ultimate hunky sci-fi man meat known as CASPIER VAN DIEN...how could this movie not be pure gold? it's chees-tastic for sure, and everyone has lisps from the teeth, but the only movie that i know of that has a vampire group rape scene and that doing a vampire can turn you. but that's not my favorite scene!!!! no no...it has to go to when casper picks up the vampire hooker and she goes to kill him and he giggles and bites her back. then she bites him back and...well...rawr. vampire fan or not...that's hot.

dean cameron could never disappoint me, but this movie entertains me to no end. along with some hot chick, toni basil, and thomas dolby...they all sing their way through this odd little love story. you probably won't see many movies as silly as rockula. it's so hard to pick a favorite scene because the entire movie will have you bewildered, but i would have to go with the line "DROP THE HAMBONE, STANLEY"...sorry, but i can not disclose more than that...hehe. Ralphy!!!

long before GERARD BUTLER painted up his abs and suited up as the guy that won't stop yelling about sparta, he was dracula in this daring take on a classic. i must say...i love this movie despite it being a little cheesy. they do a good job of adding a new light to the legend, adding elements of religion to explain his origin and that van helsing has used dracula's blood to stay alive for hundreds of years. my favorite part, besides the sex on the ceiling with VITAMIN C, is when dracula first lands in new orleans and sees a giant tv screen outside of a music store playing a MONSTER MAGNET video. he watches the montage of boobs, fire, cars, and rock n' roll with delight and there's a close up of dracula's face in awe and he simply says "Magnificent." Aw...dracula loves MONSTER MAGENT. i laughed so hard i cried.

Sure I could ramble on about FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, BRAM STROKERS, INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE, or the redeeming qualities of the BLADE series, UNDERWORLD, or NIGHT WATCH, but who am i kidding? no one's reading this thing anyway...the point is...let's just past this teen drama shit and get back to the good ol' vampire stories, eh? :-D

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