VAMPIRE'S SUCK...well, duh...

not to say they are even close to being my favorite monster...but i don't know if i like the bad rap that vampires are getting now-a-days. good god, don't get me wrong...i'm not defending twilight...but i will defend great moments in fanged history that can not be tainted by this temporary crapfest.

speaking of twilight though...i watched it one night to have a good laugh and just couldn't get over the fact that the catalyst for the entire movie was...vampire baseball???! that whole movie not only offended me as a horror fan, but as a girl. the characters weren't romantic...they were pathetic and the whole "shimmering" in daylight makes me want to punch a kitten. AHHH, enough of that, you get the point. i would still recommend anyone to watch it, if only to have the ammo to make fun of twilight fans better!
but onto more important things...my favorite vampire movie moments! be they scary, sexy, or just downright silly, these are indisputable gems.

NEAR DARK

one of my favorite movies of all time, featuring my one true love: mr. bill paxton. this movie is indisputably awesome because it refuses to be a vampire movie. even though it's about a clan of vampires, they could of just as easily been a family of renegade serial killers. anyone that has seen this movie would expect me to say my favorite scene is the infamous bar scene...but despite all the gritty violence and bill's bad-ass one-liners, yah yah yah...but i'm going to have to be a girl and say that my favorite scene is caleb's and mae's first kiss after she turns him. he leaves and thinks he can just go home and be normal, but when he realizes he's got nowhere to go, he comes back, kneels before her, drinks from her wrist, then slides himself up to her lips. hands down the hottest kiss in cinematic history.

LET THE RIGHT ONE IN

this movie was recommended to me and i was skeptical to say the least. not only is it foreign with subtitles, but it's about a little girl vampire...sounds lame, right???! this movie made quite the shocking impression on me, good going norway! the little boy oskar forms a friendship with eli, the girl next door that just so happens to be a vampire. just like near dark, the vampire lure is there, but they don't come out and say "this is a vampire movie", which i think makes all the difference. the whole movie sets a nice innocent tone of oskar trying to befriend and figure out eli. The scene that will always stick in my mind is when he wants to see what happens if she comes into his apartment without inviting her in. as she passes into the threshold, she just starts bleeding from her and eyes, nose, ears, and mouth and falls to the ground, where a concerned oskar rushes over and tells her a dozen time that he's sorry and that he invites her to come in. it was eerie and endearing at the same time. awwwww ::barf::

MODERN VAMPIRES

brought to you by the same demented mind that came up with forbidden zone, RICHARD ELFMAN and starring none other than the ultimate hunky sci-fi man meat known as CASPIER VAN DIEN...how could this movie not be pure gold? it's chees-tastic for sure, and everyone has lisps from the teeth, but the only movie that i know of that has a vampire group rape scene and that doing a vampire can turn you. but that's not my favorite scene!!!! no no...it has to go to when casper picks up the vampire hooker and she goes to kill him and he giggles and bites her back. then she bites him back and...well...rawr. vampire fan or not...that's hot.

ROCKULA

dean cameron could never disappoint me, but this movie entertains me to no end. along with some hot chick, toni basil, and thomas dolby...they all sing their way through this odd little love story. you probably won't see many movies as silly as rockula. it's so hard to pick a favorite scene because the entire movie will have you bewildered, but i would have to go with the line "DROP THE HAMBONE, STANLEY"...sorry, but i can not disclose more than that...hehe. Ralphy!!!

DRACULA 2000

long before GERARD BUTLER painted up his abs and suited up as the guy that won't stop yelling about sparta, he was dracula in this daring take on a classic. i must say...i love this movie despite it being a little cheesy. they do a good job of adding a new light to the legend, adding elements of religion to explain his origin and that van helsing has used dracula's blood to stay alive for hundreds of years. my favorite part, besides the sex on the ceiling with VITAMIN C, is when dracula first lands in new orleans and sees a giant tv screen outside of a music store playing a MONSTER MAGNET video. he watches the montage of boobs, fire, cars, and rock n' roll with delight and there's a close up of dracula's face in awe and he simply says "Magnificent." Aw...dracula loves MONSTER MAGENT. i laughed so hard i cried.

Sure I could ramble on about FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, BRAM STROKERS, INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE, or the redeeming qualities of the BLADE series, UNDERWORLD, or NIGHT WATCH, but who am i kidding? no one's reading this thing anyway...the point is...let's just past this teen drama shit and get back to the good ol' vampire stories, eh? :-D

SKETCH COMEDY GONE TERRIBLE WRONG...BUT IN A GOOD WAY

within the ranks of sketch comedy, a few groups stand out for having their own bizarre brand of comedy. now if you took kids in the hall, upright citizens brigade, and the whitest kids you know and wrapped them all up in a sleeping bag and beat the crap out of them...and took all their money, you'd have sick kids productions. this dark side of comedy is brought to you by these silly motherfuckers:

they been around for quite a while and have been perfecting their madness through short skits that are posted on youtube here: Youtubey goodness!

but luckily for humanity, they have finally taken time out of their busy bedazzling

schedules to put out their first full length DVD, nuclear justice. You will laugh like that tim

e grandma shit her pants during Thanksgiving dinner...when you know it's funny but you know

you're not supposed to laugh...
needless to say...you will never look at john travolta or steering wheel covers in the same way. dare I say more?
and the best part...did i mention that it's available for FREE through their facebook fan page here:

Sick Kids Productions Fan Page

Just message them your address and you'll receive their gay porn....i mean...comedy DVD right away!

Dead Man's Party- Zombie Walk 2009

if time was an ice cream sandwich...i would take this night...slowly unwrap it's crisp white wrapper...unveil the frosty chocolate and vanilla orgy in my hand that's exuding cold steam and already starting to slightly soften...sensuously lick the sides where the naughty ice cream has overflowed past the spongy wafers and start nibbling on the delicious corners. then i'd bite it...hard...over and over and over and OVER...

oh sorry, i got a little carried away...in case you couldn't tell, this is a blog about zombies and Woody Harrelson...and JERRY (1), without which none of the mentioned events would be possible (and is holding my puppy hostage in case i don't mention his name and give him credit at least 14 times)
WHO'S JERRY(2), you ask? this mother fucker ...





so JERRY(4) gets an email about the upcoming zombie walk and sends me the link. now...i've been summoned to various walks and bar crawls before...which has a certain appeal because hey, everything's more fun as a zombie! But i've never actually gone to one because i've always been skeptical, as i assume it's just a bunch of douches in crappy make-up...being...douchy...




but as i read further into the event...well it only starts in a bar...then it's a zombie walk through times square and into a movie theater for a free screening of ZOMBIELAND!- which i've been dyyyying to see...sorry...zombie humor. so it's game on. i get my buddy chris on board as well and we're good to go!!!

the bar was...less than exciting. we had a drink and had a little fun scoping out the other makeup jobs, but for the most part i've had more fun sitting on a thumbtack. just the chaos of getting there and JERRY (5) and I getting our make-up up to snuff was enough to warrant a little downtime, i suppose.

so the walk begins! apparently there were over 600 zombies present and accounted for...which is pretty ridiculous...and we started stumbling around times square. knocking tables over, grabbing at tourists, beating on car windows, harassing this guy in a giant ball costume that was trying to hand out flyers, climbing on street lights, knocking on windows of restaurants where people were trying to eat, pissing off policeman like I've NEVER seen, and just running around and scaring the crap out of unsuspecting people. All wonderful, glorious zombirific things!

when we finally arrive at the theater, it's in a mass sprint. which was pretty entertaining. While in line, I tried to pick a fight with the biggest guy there...to the dismay of my colleagues, but all ended well when I manically laughed and gave him the finger and made him giggle. We shook hands and became instant best friends. While waiting on line we hear a loud screech and a crash...eureka! the zombie invasion caused a car to ram into a semi!

Also note that all the while we're in line, we have photographers from the village voice all over the place taking pictures, yet JERRY(6) somehow eludes the camera completely (by accident) while even Chris gets a great shot on their website..despite skipping a work function to be there and being scared shitless to have any evidence of his presence! That's actually JERRY(7) in the background taking a picture of the photographer....well done, boys!

the doors open and we all rush into the theater to get the best seats! we get settled and prepare for awesomeness, but then....what's that, JERRY (8)? you need nourishment? you require popcorn and a soda? well, by all means, kind sir...help yourself to the refreshment stand over yonder and we shall all share in your bounty. we'll save your seat...mwahahaha.

A few minutes later...some random dude waves me over from my seat and i stumbled over to him and he asks me to be in some kind of promotion photo shoot just outside. i look back to chris and he gave me the ok, so i frolicked out to the unknown. the guy didn't look professional...or even very important for that matter...so i was skeptical to say the least of what this was all about. It's me and maybe about 10 other zombies just standing around...looking...zombied...and i thought that was the extent of it. But then Woody Harrelson enters left....say whaaa?

he stands right in the middle of us and we just surround him. I'm standing directly next to him, not sure how aggressive to be (considering he already punched out a photographer that he mistook for a zombie!) It was awesome though...and I'm in people magazine, the village voice, and about 5 other websites as a zombie attacking Woody Harrellson. Life doesn't get better than this, folks...but then...uh oh...the thought sinks in...oh my god...JERRY's(9) going to kill me...

i get back to my seat and start ranting to chris about what just happened and in walks JERRY(10) with his snacks. i try to break the news lightly, but there's just no nice way to say i'm gonna be famous and you're not...the look of total despair and disappointment in his eyes. Woody ended up coming into the theater and watching his movie with the crowd of zombies, too.

But c'mon people...give it up to the best zombie around: yours truly...

And P.S.- SEE ZOMBIELAND! IT WAS AMAZING! But that's a different story altogether...

Shit....JERRY (11) JERRY (12) JERRY (13) JERRY (14)