IAN DOES AMERICA

i first learned of ian through a mutual friends' youtube videos. from there, i managed to find out where he worked and promptly secured a job at a company on the floor above his, making my presence known only by what i refer to as "drive-by shoutings". then came our first meeting. after tireless hours of deception and theivery, i discovered his cellphone number and sent ambiguous texts through the workday about the eagle landing and it needing a bath. The conversation soon turned to scheming to meet at a secret location within the building in order to exchange not only words, but a pirate and a ketchup packet for a DVD and a cinnamon munchkin. the stage was set, but...would he show up??? was it a trap??? only time would tell...

it was approximately 2:33pm and I reaked of fresh turkey sandwich, but he seems to only slightly wince as i introduced myself as his #1 stalker, i mean fan. The exchange of gifts and awkward glances was but a moment, as I knew I couldn't stay. I rushed back upstairs to stuff the munchkin in my mouth and watch the DVD. I could only hope that Ian was enjoying his ketchup packet and pirate just as much. I learned later from my many sources that ian left his job that very day. Apparently my pirate contained a treasure map that had never discovered within its booty. Although it was just a collectible toy from a happy meal, ian had a feverish idea that it was sending him out on a quest....a quest across america on his motorcycle.

although this is an amazingly awesome idea, it did make stalking him a bit more tedious. i immediately quit my stupid job and spend most of my time now taking his facebook photos and redrawing them as cartoons. (as pictured above) AND! to religiously follow his super awesome blog that he updates constantly about his whereabouts and all the cool stuff he's doing and seeing. he refuses to pay for lodging, dumpster dives for food, and hurts his butt. i recommend anyone ridiculous enough to of actually read this whole post to support him by following his blog.

http://wherelegendsroam.blogspot.com/

when I happened to notice that ian had more followers on his blog than me, i naturally challenged him to a battle to the death. He opted for a more peaceful alternative and suggested we cross-pollinate our weirdo friends and followers. Although it seemed like a radical hippie idea and already had my battleaxe in hand, I agreed under one circumstance- I get a turtle drawing, as it's the only form of currency I use.

EUREKA!

Coming soon: the dangers of shark apparel