JELLO WRESTLING: A social commentary by Devorador de Cerebro

...as I do not consider myself a very talented party planner, I usually avoid it like the plague because they are always a bust, but once in awhile I come up with an ingenious plan that I think can only be executed by someone as mad as i. so i set out to make the event of the century in my back yard. one that no one could possibly refuse. not only is there food and drinks galore, enough to make anyone else's BBQ a complete success, but I provide entertainment for all and a once-in-a-lifetime chance for those daring enough to enter the ring. i talk about it for months and ask around so i can get a feeling for the crowd and get a great response. everyone wants in! everyone knows people that want in! everyone can't conceive of a better idea! fair enough, i was in complete agreement and with costume in hand and a kick ass Luchadora name, i got to work! to get everyone into the idea further, i started with this amazing flyer and then it was funny pictures of bill cosby endorsing the party and then pictures of hot girls wrestling. and not only would it be my kooky friends, but my roommate grew up in the area, has tons of friends, worked at hooters for god's sakes and knows a lot of hot girls as well as guys that like hot girls. where could i go wrong? i planned on a big ass party, where we'd have to organize wrestlers and matches and it would be chaos and probably have the cops called by at least one neighbor!

so then...it slowly becomes very apparent that this was not the extraordinary idea that i thought it was. i start getting calls, texts and emails of everyone's excuses. i shoulda known once only 2 people got my thunderdome reference in the invite. so the list dwindles to a handful of people that drove at least an hour to come and i've only known for a few months, where as people that i've known for years and encouraged the idea all along...bail. i think i'm more dumbfounded than upset at how dinner with a friend or ::enter lame excuse here:: would ever be more fun than what i was offering. it boggles my mind. on top of that, my roommate/co-host's friends are NOWHERE to be found either...on any given night of the week, my living room can be packed with people for absolutely no reason...but for an actual party everyone disappears? Uhh...do most people really hate fun this much?

::throws away old friends and hugs new ones::

FOR THE RECORD IT WAS STILL AN AMAZING AMAZING DAY! AND HERE'S THE PROOF!

...it is for this reason that I am once again opening the lines for the friend applicaion...because there will be people that will read this post and will be just as outraged and disappointed as i am about this travesty and wouldn't have missed this for the world and we need to unite. Will you receive a golden ticket???

BE SURE TO POST YOUR RESULTS AS A COMMENT UNDER THIS POST!!!

http://www.proprofs.com/quiz-school/story.php?title=friend-application

blast from the past!

well, HEY there kiddies...

...as we delve deeper into the madness, i think it's important to remember your humble beginnings...

Out of all my notebook doodles and sketchbook renderings...I'm mostly amused by these because of the whole "gel pen" phenomenon. i...was...obsessed....

Done mostly in my junior and senior year math classes (thankyou mrs. thomas), these had really no purpose or meaning...they were just colored doodles...but as i look back on all the severed body parts and blood...it really doesn't surprise me that people were worried about me...and still are...

THE CLOCK i don't know why i'm obsessed with this imagery, but this is the first version and it was also made in pastels and acrylics.

THE SWING

Althought drawn very cartoony and comical, I love the concept of hanging helpless amongst everyone watching. I had used the same idea as a self portrait with my head being a sole lightbulb in a cavern of eyes...but hm...where the hell did that go...

GRABBERS

like flowers grow towards the sun, a strange arm plant all grabbing towards the light

DROWNING

i'm sure i had some kind of emo reason to draw this and it symbolizes me overwhelmed with some teenage problem...but really i have no idea.

BROKEN DOLL

Hahaha, i really wish i COULD remember my reasonings behind this drawing. i could make something up...but i'm pretty sure i just wanted an excuse to draw a naked chick

ORGY

Ok, i really thought i was being clever here.. pink=girl. blue=boy. together=purple. really it's just one big giant orgy...but i thought...ya know....no one would "get it". HA

LA TETE

really, i don't even like this one...i think it's kind of stupid...which is why i gave it a french name. i actually just put it up to show my complete disregard for human anatomy. check out those 2 neck bones. classic.

KISS

again, i have absolutely no clue what this is besides that i was probably daydreaming about making out. the nail? totally gratuitous. the handcuffed creature in the middle? um....
:: shrugs ::

Ok, well good to see ya..i gotta go return some video tapes...

:: scuttles away::

DOUCHE DICK!- the story of how i was banned from facebook uno within an hour

now as much as i have grown up and accept my adult responsibilities...and generally have a good will towards mankind. ::chuckle:: there's just some situations i simply can't avoid..like this one.

innnocent beginning: my friend jerry "draw four" accomando sends me an invite to play uno on facebook. oh look! now i can even humiliate him from the comfort of my own home! game on!

now...in all public chats...especially gaming ones...it's only human nature to want to test your boundaries! i type out a laundry list of curses and giggle while watching which ones are turned into &@#&%^$#% and giggle even louder at the ones that aren't. Obviously my present company did not appreciate my curiousity...

First of all: Meet the contestants! (because it's facebook so they actually let you see who these people are) Good idea / Bad Idea....?

Jennifer A.- what a sassy little sprite



Tracy C.- her keyboard is permanantly stuck on caps


And then here's me...innocent little me...covered in blood



UNEDITED AND UNABRIDGED CHAT:


Morgan O. uno sucks

Jennifer A. then why are you playing? lol

Morgan O. mother *#!$@ing *#!$@ suckers

Morgan O. *#!$@ damn *#!$@ *#!$@ douche dick

Jennifer A. what are you 12?

Morgan O. 35 actually

Morgan O. Isn't anyone else excited that the words "douche dick" weren't bleeped?

Jennifer A. grow up

Morgan O. what are you fat?

Jennifer A. no but my son is watching me play and reading this

Morgan O. well maybe you should be being a good mother instead of playing on facebook

Tracey C. U TELL THEM

Morgan O. haha, what the *#!$@ does that mean

Tracey C. U NEED 2 STOP

Morgan O. stop what

Jennifer A. acting like a child

Jennifer A. J a 35 year old woman shouldnt be speaking like that

Morgan O. so do you guys play uno because you cant count higher than 9?

Tracey C. JENN DO NOT TAKE THAT

Morgan O. you tell her, girlfriend!

Morgan O. love the caps...did you forget how to turn them off? Just move your chubby little fingers over above the shift key

Jennifer A. haha my son is laughing at the butch woman in the picture

Jennifer A. guess your pic speaks for itself

Morgan O. haha, oh, it really does

Tracey C. U 2 NEED 2 BE NICE

Morgan O. i thought that was pretty nice

Morgan O. wanker

Morgan O. haha, apparently british curses are ok

Tracey C. LOL 2U

Jennifer A. ok im not speaking to you anymore

Morgan O. no one asked you to anyway

Morgan O. buttlicker

Jennifer A. then please use respect

Morgan O. mrs. buttlicker ma'am?

Tracey C. U R A BITCH O

Jennifer A. lol

Morgan O. hahaha, and you're a buttlicker

Jennifer A. yes she is

Morgan O. wow really?? Lucky guess...its ok...

Morgan O. i accept you

Tracey C. I AM SORRY MS J

Morgan O. for what? did you pass gas?

Jennifer A. im pretty sure its a little kid fooling around

Tracey C. I SAY

Jennifer A. i really cant believe a woman would talk the way she is

Jennifer A. plus i just reported her to facebook

Morgan O. little kid, eh? definitely smarter than you

Morgan O. and probably half as smelly...

Tracey C. GOOD

Morgan O. YES. SUPERB.

Morgan O. I USE CAPS TO GET MY POINT ACROSS

:end of tranmission::

sorry to say that when someone wins (...which was SO unfortately NOT me...) the chat disappears so i missed the last couple whips i tossed there way...le sigh...

SO this might be the last of my facebook account...or at least my online uno playing days...but i only have one regret!....

that i never called that chick Jennifer A. Hole...SUCH A WASTE OF A GOOD 2ND GRADE INSULT! ARGGG!

And what did we learn today, kids???

The rules of chat censorship!

"I love dick!"- ok
"I love cock"- NOT OK

"I'm gonna fuck that ass"- NOT OK
"I'm gonna douche that bitch"- ok

death of a munchkin: a photo comic by morgue anne & michelle macomber

ALTERNATE ENDING:

BILL PAXTON IN MY SHORTS!

well, seeing that my goggle collection is on hold for the moment...at least until my lab is settled in it's new home in beautiful north jersey ::snark snark:: i decided to share the incredibly detailed universe that my partner in crime and I have created. in this universe, bill paxton is a god-like figure (just like in most universes) and helen hunt can become the butt of any joke.

ex. "bill paxton can do anything he wants. he eats chuck norris for breakfast and washes it down with a nice cold glass of vin diesel. Then he uses helen hunt as a toothpick."

needless to say, i also don't run in many circles where poop isn't a usual topic...its actually become a staple of any meaningful conversation...because poop is universally funny. if you don't agree with that...well god bless you, but you suck.

so one day, amongst an unusually large amount of bill paxton and "twister" references, we ended up coining new terms for varieties of turds. a phenomenon just spread alarmly quickly into normal friend, family and office jargon and just kept growing in popularity.


BILL PAXTON (ain't he pretty)
most commonly used, the bill paxton can be a general term or be used to used to describe a poo that you are just generally proud of and feel the need to announce, so it's like the rule of "every square is a rectangle, but not every rectangle is a square"...so like "every helen hunt is a bill paxton, but not every bill paxton is a helen hunt".

it can be used as a noun:

ex. "man, that bill paxton felt great. now i can eat more croissants!"

OR a verb:

ex. "you might not want to go in there...i just bill paxton-ed all over the place..."

HELEN HUNT
a helen hunt is also a broad term for a poo...but in contrast with the bill paxton, is something meaningless, insignificant, and rarely mentioned. she's just not interesting enough to bring up in even the most dull conversations. frankly, my grandma has more interesting bowel movements, and she poops her pants.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
when you philip seymour hoffman, you will be seen leaving the bathroom with tears in your eyes. this big, burly mofo has no mercy and will leave you with flashbacks of those horrifying prison shower rapes. were never butt raped, you say?? well, philip seems like the most appropriate actor to teach you what it's like anyway.

CARY ELWES
this sniveling little weiner just shoulda stopped after the princess bride and men in tights...but since he decided to be the snooty adversary of mr. paxton instead, he is the constipated turd. the one you just can't see to get rid of and roll your eyes everytime you THINK you're going to get rid of him and you can't.

JAMI GERTZ
first off, i refuse to believe that jami gertz is not teri hatcher's evil twin. secondly, what the FUCK does bill paxton see in her. oh yah...she's endowed as the term for shitting your pants. she whines and freaks out the whole movie. YES, there's a tornado 10 feet in front of your truck and YES, there's a cow in it...but you don't have to be such a girl about it.

ALAN RUCK
alan ruck is the surprise poop because SURPRISE! ALAN RUCK IS IN A MOVIE BESIDES FERRIS BUELLER! ....and there was great rejoicing...

DOROTHY
kiiiind of broke the rules with these last two, but dorothy is the weather machine with all the little balls and it's kinky. She should really have her own credit because the whole movie she's like the stripper that everyone wants to bang but every time she's about to take her top off, somebody fucks it up and she pulls her sweater back down! Well, needless to say, bill finally straddles that pony at the end and dorothy gets to shoot her load...wow...sorry for that visual. ANYWAY, in honor of all her little balls, dorothy could be nothing other than rabbit turds!

TWISTER





















truly the "the dark side of nature" a twister is a devastating, life-altering, energy-sucking, toiletbowl-shattering manuever and shouldn't be attempted by amateurs. anyone in it's path or in its range is in extreme danger and should seek cover in the nearest BOMB shelter...hehe...get it?

i...apologize for this post already...i just disturbed myself. back to the lab!!!

my goggle collection

so i've never been one to collect things...well, that's not true. i have more crap than your grandma. but i've never sat down and said to myself that i'm going to buy completely superfluous things and call it a hobby...until now. last summer was the season of the pirate. this summer (and probably far beyond), i've decided to go with the mad scientist theme. and what does a mad scientist need? GOGGLES. and lots of them...why? because it's mad...and just plain awesome. so i figured i would debut the "collection here" and have a record of the humble beginnings!
1.
and nothing is more humble than this pair...which started it all. these babies were originally purchased as super cool swim goggles...because they are...but have been floating into my costume wardrobe for years, being involved most notably with my oompa loompa costume, as well as my more recent website promotion photoshoot as a...what else? mad scientist!

2.
i overcame my fear of purchasing wearable items on ebay to buy these...but alas was a tad disappointed to find out that the lenses were clear. i mean...sure...they are probably one the most practical goggles that this collection will see, but i was looking forward to sporting these as sunglasses on the beach in an all white bikini...let's take a moment to soak in just how awesome that would look...

3.
if i may divert your attention to this amazing eyewear, do note the biohazard symbols on the lenses because they are hysterical. instant classics...and i'll finally fit in with those supercool cyber goth kids!

4.
so i know its a little early to be picking FAVORITES, but holy crap, i love these things. in their short life, they have already seen a day at the office, a work bbq, a date, a midnight underwear cookie-making party, and a fleetwood mac concert and were a big hit in all scenarios. whether on my head or adorning my face, they just make everything a little better.

that's it for now, but off to a good start!

drag me to hell

THANK YOU sam raimi for making just a damn fine horror movie.

the movie won my heart for so many reasons...it just hits all the points it should. scary. shocking. creepy. gross. funny. absolutely ridiculous...and complete with a gratuitous wet t-shirt scene and one of my favorite endings of all time. ta-dah! i'm not one for writing reviews or giving away plot points...

i'd rather just simply say GO SEE THIS MOVIE AND IT WILL BE ONE OF THE VERY FEW WORTH $11.50!!!!

Also...i think staples in the forehead should be the newest fashion accessory. shit's hot...not sure if the one in the eye will catch on though...that's a little pretentious...so maybe only in williamsburg.